“Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms…”

Intuition – instinctive knowledge: the state of being aware of or knowing something without having to discover or perceive it, or the ability to do this.

I really make a conscious effort to not worry.  At 33, I feel as though I’ve spent too much of my life worrying as it is. If you’ve ever lived with crippling anxiety then you can probably understand that somehow, along the way, worry becomes like a shitty best friend. You recognize that it’s a part of you and although it causes you pain, you just can’t seem to get rid of it. Luckily, I have come to a point in my life (thankfully, sooner rather than later) where I’ve realized that worrying IS essentially “praying for what you don’t want.” And once I fully embraced and acknowledged the concept, I ditched that shitty best friend like a bad habit. Although, it still visits me from time-to-time, like an out-of-town friend home for the weekend, or something – I don’t have to deal with it NEARLY as much.

The past few days, well…more like the past week, I have just felt as though something was off. Intuitively, everything seemed fine. And as far as I knew, everything of import was plugging along swimmingly. However, even though all of my metaphorical ducks seemed to be in a row, things have been feeling extremely chaotic. After about four days of this unease and just NOT understanding what in the world was going on…I really started sort of breaking down a bit and the worry reared its annoying head. So, what does Amy do when the worry sets in? She begins to question everything under the sun, of course!  Hunting for the logic.  Searching for the “whys.” Thoughts, actions, emotions, relationships…no stone unturned. I pilfered through my mental catalog of situations/conversations I could have maybe handled better, things I should have/shouldn’t have said, things I should have done differently…

”What have I done/not done that is causing this uncomfortable shit storm that seems to be whirling around me?”  This was pretty much my last thought as I closed my eyes before sleep last night. After a night of what seemed like a never-ending string of strange dreams, I woke up to the sound of my alarm and in the split-second before I cracked open my eyes, I was already wondering if today was going to be another one of those days. As I opened my eyes and my feet hit the floor, I knew today was a going to be different. There is an obvious, palpable and very noticeable difference in the energy within my field. The chaos has lifted.

You know, you gotta really love and appreciate hindsight. Although this had been going on for only a week, when I find myself in the midst of this low-frequency mind-talk ridiculousness, the days seem never-ending. And in my experience, when I get to this point, I feel a sense of desperation for the feeling to end and I will over-work it and over-analyze it to death until I’ve got it figured out. However, today…I am able to see a valuable lesson in it all. And, in hindsight, this is a pattern that I should have recognized and acknowledged by now. One can never really be sure of why things are the way they are but I like to think that this was just some cosmic reminder for me to just surrender, have faith and trust my intuition. See…I KNOW that I KNEW, intuitively, during this seven-day-absolute-insult-to-my-6th-sense, that everything was FINE. Why the worry, then? Why the questioning? Why the self-doubt? I can’t be sure. But, on the bright side, I’ve realized that if I really tune-in, if I take an internal inventory, and if at the very center of myself I feel peace – regardless of what is swirling around me on the outside – that I should just go with that. Trust myself. Go with my gut. Have some faith.

I was just having a conversation with a girlfriend yesterday about this very thing. She and I were discussing intuition and wondering why, even when we know in our heart-of-hearts the truth of a situation, it’s sometimes so difficult to just GO with our gut. It didn’t take long for us to come to the conclusion that there’s nothing quite as satisfying as validation – that seeking an outside source to confirm what you already know to be true/right within – essentially seeking something outside yourself to tell you, “it’s okay…you CAN actually trust yourself.” Maybe there are some insecurities at play here…and there’s always the trust issues. Hell, I’m no stranger to insecurity and the occasional trust issue, but that’s not the point. The point is, there is a reason that those who are intuitively inclined are, and we should be thankful for it and cultivate it for it is truly a gift.

Again, in hindsight, I realize that this scenario has played out for me so many times before – only this time I’m making a serious mental note to remember this during future seemingly-chaotic times. I see it clearly now that whenever there is a period of craziness and weirdness and things feeling very unsettled, there is always something beautiful to follow. Makes me think of a quote that says it so much better than what I’m attempting to articulate:

“In chaos, there is fertility.” ― Anaïs Nin

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