32nd Year

Tomorrow is my 33rd birthday.

In lieu of Thanksgiving, I’m going to give thanks for my 32nd year.  What.  A.  Year.

Honestly, I can’t properly sum up into words the grand mind-f*ck this year has been.  God, you know, it would be really easy for me to say that it has been a shit year, because let’s be honest, parts of it were pretty bad and really hard and really difficult, with extreme highs and extreme lows.  But now, as I round out this year, I somehow find myself very much in the middle.  And, in this respect, the middle is a great place to be.  With no idea how long I’ll be living on this earth – I can say, without a doubt, that my 32nd year is going down in my personal history as the most transformational, eye-opening, emotional, beautiful, magical and meaningful year yet – aside from the year I became a mother (which is a given.)  So much has happened this year that could (and probably should) have reduced me down to the scum that I sometimes felt like I was, but I find myself on a plateau after a pretty rough, rocky and sometimes near-impossible climb.  I have come to a place where I find myself stronger now than I’ve ever been – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  All of the decisions that I made this year, have been out of a place of pure gut-feeling and intuition.  And I can’t feel sorry for any of that.  Feeling sorry for any of this would imply that I have regrets…and I don’t.  I believe that there is nothing quite as beautiful as being able to come from an authentic place, a place of truthfulness and honesty.  And as I reflect back on this year, I recall so many things, moments, situations, conversations, realizations and most importantly, people, that have both directly and indirectly helped me along this course of change.  Change is fucking scary, albeit sometimes necessary. 

Sometimes – we think we know who we are, or who we’re meant to be.  Sometimes our path is pretty cut & dry and we’re more-or-less cool with it.  Other times, the wonder of “what else?” is like a kid pulling at our pant leg, begging for our attention.  More often times than not, we’re a product of our surroundings and limited experiences, not really paying attention to that deep inner knowing that we are much more than what we’ve allowed ourselves to be.  It’s easy to lose ourselves in the sea of convenience, complacency or just not giving ourselves enough damn credit.  That sea can calmly guide you through this life as you float along, punching that clock, paying those bills, playing those cookie-cutter roles, participating in “the norm.”  It’s almost as though when you start to question things, when you take a closer look or when you acknowledge the unseen…you rock that boat.  Then the sea becomes rough and angry and the waves start crashing and you’ve conveniently forgotten how to swim and you begin to wonder if you’re going to make it out alive.  Then you let go.  You trust in the divine plan and it’s timing, go with the flow, and regardless of what is going on around you, you somehow find peace within yourself and surrender.  The sea calms…the sun shines again and you come upon a land full of beauty and magic, where you find people who are full of love and compassion, truth and honesty, a place full of light that feels like home.

I had a dream earlier in the year when things seemed to really be falling apart all around me.  I went to sleep this particular night riddled with worry and fear and guilt.  I dreamed that I was walking through a seemingly familiar part of the forest with a girlfriend of mine, just taking a walk and chatting. To the right of us on the path was a mailbox.  When I saw the mailbox, I remember thinking to myself within the dream that I was about to receive a message.  Suddenly, the forest began to flood.  We’re talking flash flooding of epic proportions.  I remember distinctly how calm I was in this dream.  The rush of water and the threat of danger didn’t seem to faze me at all.  I casually walked over to a wooden table (yes, there was a table in the middle of the woods) and flipped it over and my girlfriend and I rode that table like a raft over those harsh waters, through the woods and the darkness, until when we finally reached a sunny, green meadow.  The sense of calm I felt in this dream carried on with me into my waking life, for the most part, for days/weeks to come.  I knew that everything was (eventually) going to be okay.

All I know is right now, on the eve of my 33rd birthday, is that I’m feeling very happy, loved, centered, appreciated, excited, confident, proud, humbled, energetic, and connected.  I took a hard turn inward this year, folks – the better part of this year (of course once my motherly duties/responsibilities have been taken care of) has been spent in solitude.  Solitude can be frightening.  And at times it has been.  Solitude has really afforded me an opportunity to take a step back from constant chatter, running dialogue, time-killers or any other distractions, and allowed me to really dig in and find my center, that place we all have within us where we can go and really become familiar with our true selves.  During pregnancy, I became very aware and in-tune with my physical body.  And now, thanks to my good and very dear friend, Solitude, I am very much in tune with myself as a soul, and as an energetic body within this physical manifestation.  I’ve been able to ask myself the hard questions and oddly enough, receive the answers.   I’ve really been able to work through feelings and emotions I had no idea even existed.  I have come to know, first-hand, that what we put out there in this world is what we get in return.  And I am proud of the woman I am becoming because the woman I am becoming isn’t afraid to speak up for, stand up for, or to be true to herself.  Long-gone are the days I give a shit about what anyone thinks of me or the decisions that I make.  We come into this world alone and we exit alone – it’s not about everyone else, it’s about our own journey.  An unfortunate misconception is thinking that this is selfish.  There is nothing selfish about self-love.  We are only able to offer love and our best-selves to others if we can come to love ourselves.

It’s been a remarkable year. A magical year.  A year of great change. A year of truth. A year of realization and of transcendence. An evolutionary year…and I wholeheartedly believe that this beautiful year marks the beginning of a journey that will prove to be nothing short of amazing. I am eternally grateful for the knowledge I’ve gained, not only about myself, but about the magical parts of this world, this place, this existence, and the parts “unseen.” I’m so very thankful for being afforded a gift, the gift of helping others in ways I’ve been helped. This ability has ignited a passion within me that I could have never before imagined. My heart is full of pure love and gratitude for the many blessings that my 32nd year has given me.

So, now I’d like to say, “Thank you.”
Thank you to the ones that have stuck by me throughout this year, for not judging me and for simply wanting me to be happy. To the one who’s been my guinea pig, letting me test out my energy healing capabilities and helping me decipher my gifts and for being so supportive and such a wonderful friend. To my family for their understanding, support, and unconditional love.  To the powers unseen for bringing into my life those I couldn’t imagine living this life without, even if we never actually meet. “Thank you” immensely to those who have given me an opportunity to share in their energetic experiences, and for allowing me to do something that they may not fully understand but for being open and willing to take a chance on me. And “thank you” to the one, the one who has been there every day, in every way, making the darker days brighter and the good days even better.

I have a really great feeling about 33.

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